The Advice Corner: 3-year-old tantrums – how can I set boundaries without losing my temper?

This months’ question:

My 3-year-old throws tantrums every time we leave the park. How can I set boundaries without losing my temper?

Natalie Quiring-Oleson, MSW, LICSW, JFCS Therapist (and proud parent of an emotional 3-year-old):

There’s no way to sugarcoat it – tantrums are tough. They are loud, sometimes violent, and can easily send a parent’s nervous system into fight or flight mode! They can also make a parent question their own skills – does this mean I’m doing something wrong? Am I supposed to prevent this? Luckily, the answer to both these questions is “no.”

Tantrums are a normal part of toddler development. Babies are born with the ability to feel every emotion, but without any skills to manage these emotions. This is still true in the toddler phase. While tantrums tend to peak in kids ages 2-4, they can occasionally last into later childhood as well. Tantrums can erupt over very small things (have you ever handed your child the “wrong color” cup and incited a meltdown?) or for larger things, like transitioning away from an activity the child enjoys or being told “no” to a request. It is normal for tantrums to involve crying, yelling, screaming, hitting, biting, kicking, etc. Kids can also have more tantrums if they are tired, hungry, and/or overstimulated.

In these difficult moments, you may feel like it is your job to end the tantrum. In reality, most of our attempts to end the tantrum can actually extend it. At this age, toddler’s brains are very under-developed. During a tantrum, the child loses what small amount of logic and reasoning they possess. So while you are trying to explain why it’s time to leave the park, the child cannot really take in the words that you are saying. In fact, you may be causing the child to feel even more overstimulated by talking at all. This can escalate the situation, rather than de-escalate it.

So what can parents do? In these situations, less is often more. If it is time to leave the park, and the child is having a large reaction, the best thing for you to do is wait. Internally, I recommend focusing on your own breathing, reminding yourself that it’s ok to decide to leave the park and it’s ok for your child to be mad about it.

Sometimes giving the child a minute or two to feel their feelings (without trying to fix or change it) can start the de-escalation process. Some kids will want physical affection from you during this time, and some may want some space. Once you notice the child has begun to calm down, you can say something like, “I see that you’re upset; I know it’s so fun to play at the park. We will come back another day.”

If the child continues to protest, or is not willingly walking to the car, setting the boundary is saying “you can walk to the car, or I am going to carry you.” Then follow through with this. This is the most important part. Your child may say “just once more down the slide,” or “just five more minutes.” Every time you acquiesce, you lose credibility for next time. (I have also rarely found that my child is ready to go after I have given in to the request). Continuing to set the boundary means saying “No, sorry, no more slide today.”

Later in the day, or even the next day, when the child is feeling calmer, I recommend reflecting on the tantrum. This can look like saying “I noticed it was super hard to leave the park today. I wonder what could make that feel easier in the future.” Your child may have an idea or not, but by opening up the conversation, you are helping your child to develop emotional regulation skills. You can remind them that all fun things have to end sometimes, and we’re allowed to feel disappointed and mad about it. You can teach them how to take deep breaths, or count to five when they’re feeling mad. You can read books about what to do when we feel angry, or sad, or other emotions.

A common mistake all parents (myself included) make is to try to teach these things in the moment, when their child is already feeling the emotion. This is not very effective. Trying to remember to talk about these things in between the tantrums can help decrease the frequency. Also, sticking to the boundaries that you set can decrease the tantrum frequency as well.

For more tips and information about tantrums, here are a few resources:

Dr. Becky Kennedy’s book, “Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Resilient Parenting Prioritizing Connection Over Correction,” (she is also on Facebook and Instagram as Dr Becky).

Tina Payne Bryson and Daniel Siegel have written many books, including “The Whole Brain Child,” which breaks down the development of the brain in early childhood.

The Advice Corner

At JFCS, professional staff work to support and empower families at all ages and stages. We know that parenting is the most amazing and most challenging job around. Whether you are navigating toddler tantrums, trying to get your teen to put their phone down and connect with you, or trying to juggle hectic schedules, you are not alone. We will provide responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posed anonymously. Please email questions to: lpersky@jfcsmpls.org