The Advice Corner: How do I get my teenager to talk to me?
The Advice Corner is the new monthly Q&A for families of all ages and stages
At JFCS, professional staff work to support and empower families at all ages and stages. We know that parenting is the most amazing and most challenging job around. Whether you are navigating toddler tantrums, trying to get your teen to put their phone down and connect with you, or trying to juggle hectic schedules, you are not alone. We will provide responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posed anonymously. Please email questions to: lpersky@jfcsmpls.org
Question:
“My teenager and I used to be very close. He would talk to me about his day and his friends and want to spend time with the family. Now it seems like all he wants to do is be in his room playing video games or hanging out with his friends. When I ask him a question, I am lucky to get a grunt or a one-word answer. How do I get my teenager to talk to me?”
Dori Gelfman, Jewish Youth Mentor Program Coordinator:
Talking to a teenager can feel very frustrating; especially when the relationship has changed from what it once was. It is difficult to break through that outer shell and get more than a one-word answer or a grunt. Conversations turn into lectures because you don’t get a response and it can feel like you are doing all the talking. It can feel like you are not connecting like you once did and that is challenging as a parent.
Becoming a teenager is a vital and important milestone. Teenagers need to learn to assert their independence and try to understand who they want to be. Autonomy is a life skill, and as a parent, you must hope that you have instilled good values and life lessons to help guide them into who they want to become.
Lisa Damour, acclaimed author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” “Under Pressure,” and “Untamed,” says it is best to use three tips in trying to get your teenager to talk.
- Focus your questions
- Work with their terms
- Have no focused agenda
Focus your questions:
Teenagers’ availability and attention is limited, so making time for them and having any kind of connection with the family is important. Don’t ask open-ended questions, ask about topics that promote discussion. Understand their activities, what classes they are taking, and who their friends are. Then you can ask specific questions like, “Hey, how are you liking that book that you are reading for Lang and Lit?” rather than, “How was your day?”
Be present in their lives. If it is possible, know their friends or even just their names; know what classes they are taking or what sports or hobbies they enjoy. Then you can ask specific questions, focused on topics that appear to be you being nosy, but allow them to share things that make them happy.
It sounds cliché, but try to have dinner at the table together at least once a week. No really – it is important. According to a recent Stanford Children’s Health study, “Eating dinner together at least three or four times per week has positive effects on child development and has been linked to children’s lower rates of overweight and obesity, substance abuse, teen pregnancy, depression, and eating disorders; higher self-esteem; and better academic performance.”
At meals, you can ask for the best and worst part of the day – roses and thorns – or add a bud, something that represents an area of opportunity or something they are looking forward to doing or learning. Sometimes it just takes being in the same space to make a connection to your teen.
Work in their terms:
Often, it is not effective to speak to your teens face to face. Go for a walk or drive. In a car, on a walk, or in a store might be the best time to get them to speak to you. When you can get them out of their space and away from distractions, they may be more willing to share. It is sometimes difficult to look you in the eye to have a conversation.
Also, although it may be more convenient to ask how their day was when they get home from school, they may not feel like talking with you at that moment. Have you ever noticed that the most talkative teens are often right before bed? You are exhausted and suddenly you are getting a crazy story about what happened in math class yesterday! That time is limited and is a good opportunity to listen to what’s on their mind. It may seem unexpected, but they will talk when they are ready to talk – you just need to be available to listen.
Have no agenda:
The last tip is to not have an agenda. Let your teen lead where the conversation goes. Your questions may seem casual to you, but teens are sensitive and smart. They don’t want to feel like they are being grilled and forced to discuss something they don’t want to discuss.
You may go into a conversation wanting to know how they feel about an upcoming test or social interaction and end up getting what team traded what player for how much money. Although it is not the outcome you were looking for, be curious, not critical. Any information is good information. It helps you to see how they view the world, what they think is just or unjust, and maybe even what they value or is important to them. The opportunity to hear what is important to them may not come from you asking the right question, but rather from what they choose to share.
In Conclusion:
Teenagers crave autonomy and yet they still want, and need, support of their parents to help guide them, teach them, and provide boundaries. Developmental milestones change rapidly throughout the teenage years and are important to understand because it can feel disruptive and confusing. What may seem out of character for your teens may be completely appropriate for their age and stage.
Although the relationship is likely to change, it is ok, and developmentally appropriate, for them to push the limits, make their own choices, and become more private. Try to listen without judgement or agenda, ask open-ended questions, and be open to wherever the conversation may go. Using this as a guide may help provide an opportunity that you thought was lost. Time goes fast and being a teenager is not easy – being a safe space and providing an open ear will get you far.