The Advice Corner: My teen says they’re fine, but I know they are not. How do I approach them?
This months’ question:
If you’ve asked your teen how they are feeling and get a quick response of, “I’m fine,” it may feel like the topic is closed. You may be left wondering, is there a way to effectively engage them in a conversation about this?
Angela Cowan, MSW, LICSW, Counseling Manager and Therapist:
How to approach your teen about mental health
Transitioning from summer to the school year can be a challenging period – families are settling into new school and activity schedules, children are settling into their classes and finding their rhythm – it naturally takes time for this new baseline to develop. Returning to school following the horrific shooting at Annunciation can make this already challenging period more difficult, and it may take longer for you and your children to adjust.
Signs your teen may be struggling with mental health
It is reasonable to give yourself and your teen time to adjust to this transition; if over a period of weeks you notice concerning changes in their mood and behavior, it may be time to check in on their mental health. Perhaps you notice that they have been more irritable lately or that they are withdrawing from their social network. Perhaps you’ve noticed a change in their eating or sleeping habits, or that they have been reporting frequent stomach aches, headaches or other pains. If you have noticed these changes in behavior for a prolonged period of time, it could be a sign your teen is struggling with mental health.
If it feels like you’ve not been able to have a conversation about mental health with your teen, despite previous attempts, it is okay to approach this conversation again. Here are some considerations to keep in mind that could make it more effective:
Timing
Is your teen pre-occupied by something else? If so, it may be best to find a time when you are doing something together and you are present with each other.
Is your teen presenting as upset or frustrated? If so, they may not be in a space where they can truly engage in a conversation. It may be more effective to allow time for any feelings of upset/frustration/anger to subside or at least decrease.
Tone
Approach the conversation with a non-judgmental tone, where you are simply noting your observations. Try to avoid accusatory statements and words such as “should” or “shouldn’t,” as these can create a feeling of shame. Here are some examples:
- Instead of: “You are spending so much time in your room, when you should be spending it with your family”.
- Try: “I’ve noticed you are spending more time in your room.”
Engage in the conversation
Once you’ve shared your observations, give your teen space to speak. If you are met with silence, ask them if they have noticed changes and if they are open to telling you about them.
If they are engaging in the conversation:
- Listen to what they have to say and avoid interrupting them.
- Ask if they’ve thought about what they would like to do to help with these symptoms – refrain from telling your teen what they should do.
- Offer the option of counseling services if your teen does not bring this up, and keep in mind that it may not be helpful to force or mandate that your teen engages in counseling.
These are hard conversations, and it may bring up a lot of emotions for you. You can acknowledge how you are feeling, and it is important to regulate your emotions so that you are not reacting out of emotion.
In case you missed it:
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis or experiencing suicidal ideation, call 9-8-8. There are a number of learning opportunities related to suicide prevention provided throughout the month of September by the Minnesota Department of Health. Click HERE to learn more.
As children and teens return to school, they may be grappling with fear and sadness and anger following the shooting at Annunciation, here is an article on how to talk with your children and teens following the horrific shooting at Annunciation.
To continue learning about children and teen’s mental health, we warmly invite you to our 25th Anniversary of the Twin Cities Jewish Community Mental Health Education Conference on Oct. 19, where there are numerous breakout sessions focusing on supporting parents with their children and teen’s mental health well-being. Check out our conference homepage here for information on how to register for this free conference.
The Advice Corner
At JFCS, professional staff work to support and empower families at all ages and stages. We know that parenting is the most amazing and most challenging job around. Whether you are navigating toddler tantrums, trying to get your teen to put their phone down and connect with you, or trying to juggle hectic schedules, you are not alone. We will provide responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posed anonymously. Please email questions to: lpersky@jfcsmpls.org