The Advice Corner: The new monthly Q&A for families of all ages and stages
At JFCS, professional staff work to support and empower families at all ages and stages. Our staff includes counselors, parent coaches, educators, addiction and recovery consultants, social workers, senior service professionals and more. We all work to holistically and authentically support individuals and families in the spirit of collaboration, education, and compassion.
Recently, a group of staff members came together to discuss how a monthly column could support families. We know that parenting can be the most amazing and most challenging job around. Whether you are navigating toddler tantrums, trying to get your teen to put their phone down and connect with you, or trying to juggle hectic schedules, you are not alone.
This column will provide responses from a variety of staff, each with unique expertise, background and perspective. Please let us know if you have questions that you would like us to highlight. We want to hear from you! Questions will be posed anonymously. Please email questions to: lpersky@jfcsmpls.org
Q: When should I step in – and when should I let my children settle it?
I have two kids (8 and 11), and ever since school ended, they are fighting all of the time and about everything. I am so frustrated since they don’t listen to me, and the fighting is escalating as the weeks go by. Most of the time it is yelling and fighting over space, toys, what to watch, and who goes first in anything. Even the simplest things end in a fight, and I am so done with it. I don’t want to be called in to referee every fight, but sometimes I am afraid they will hurt each other or break something if I don’t intervene. It is also embarrassing when they fight in public, which happens more and more. When should I step in and when should I let them handle disagreements by themselves?
Response from Parent Coach Leah Persky, PhD & CFLE:
With the kids out of school and more time being spent at home and/or with the family, it is normal for siblings to fight and/or disagreements to increase. This is especially true if the kids are spending a lot more time together and/or are competitive with each other.
Your first instinct might be to jump in right when the fighting starts to prevent bigger problems and more disruption. In some cases that may be an effective approach to take, but if we never let our kids settle disagreements themselves, we are robbing them of important life experiences, opportunities to build communications skills, and time to build closer relationships with the siblings, cousins or others they may have conflicts with. My response below will highlight how we can empower our kids to tackle common conflicts and give parents’ permission to know that they don’t have to step in at the first signs of a disagreement.
Many parents find it especially difficult to support independence for kids who are in elementary school and middle school. You see both moments of your child acting like a mature young person and other times when they seem to revert to being a toddler. Behavior can be unpredictable and dynamic. But this is exactly the right time to prepare them to be more independent and build their confidence so they can successfully navigate their growing independence.
So just when is the right moment to step in to break up a disagreement or to help with a task?
Where to begin?
1. Is there a safety issue?
Step in if your kids are unsafe, physically or emotionally. If you believe you being present offers needed protection, then step in, or be physically nearby. Children this age are not equipped to deal with unsafe situations alone. You know your kids best; you need to trust yourself to know when you are needed for safety. You also know if you have risk takers or daredevils, and you may need to keep a closer eye on safety issues.
2. Think of yourself as a coach. Have you prepared your kids to effectively deal with a disagreement?
To prepare to manage conflicts, we must talk to our kids about conflict as a normal part of life. Conflict is often presented as negative and something to avoid. When talking about disagreement and conflict with kids, be sure to mention that it is an opportunity to learn new skills, think creatively, and build closer relationships. Also highlight that conflict is often challenging (let’s be real!), but conflicts often lead to positive outcomes.
Start by asking them how they would respond to a conflict they might encounter and have a discussion about it. Provide some guidance on what you would do and why. These conversations can be short and ongoing. Role playing can also be helpful; or when you watch a TV show or movie together, you can highlight certain situations that you think are relevant. If your kids are asking for your help to settle a dispute or you feel like you might need to intervene, first ask:
“What have you tried?”, “What do you think you could do next?” or “What is the problem you are trying to solve?”
If that is not enough to get them on the right path, help them brainstorm ideas to deal with the situation. Over time, this teaches problem-solving and fairness. Kids at this age are often concerned about justice and fairness. Talking about what is fair might spur some good discussion. Discussing that fairness doesn’t always mean that each person gets the same exact thing or opportunity is a good talking point. Older and younger kids need different things for example, and that is still fair, although not equal. For older kids you can connect this to the ideas of equity versus equality.
Another short activity you can do with your kids is to create a list of what “fair” fighting or disagreement looks like. Doing this activity at a time when everyone is calm and not arguing is crucial. The activity can take just a few minutes, but working together to create a list of expectations can go a long way. Everyone can participate and you can update the list over time. Things like no hitting or physical fighting, no spitting, no throwing things, and the right to request a few minutes break to calm down can get you started on creating these ground rules. You or the kids can write them somewhere and post them in a shared space.
When you demonstrate to your kids that you are there to be consulted if needed, but that they have the skills to handle conflicts will empower them while supporting them in an age- appropriate way.
3. Build their confidence
If you want to empower your kids to handle increasingly complex situations, pausing before stepping in to solve or fix their issues will show them that they are capable. This will build their confidence over time and demonstrate that support is there when they need it. Raising independent and capable kids means that we prepare them and empower them to handle life’s challenges. This isn’t easy and takes a while to learn. You may hear more disagreement and more acrimony in the short term, but keep an eye and an ear to what is happening and you may be pleasantly surprised that they are quite capable of solving their disagreements.
To conclude.
Letting your child handle something doesn’t mean you simply let them go it alone. You prepare and empower them. You are there as needed. In this way, you are working together, learning together and empowering them to handle many challenges; this will also build their confidence along the way.
Constant sibling fighting is no fun and there is no perfect solution to it, but if you lead with love and a coaching mentality, you will be teaching your kids important life skills that are sure to serve them well at home, school and out in the world. We cannot protect our kids from everything, but we can empower them with the skills to successfully navigate the conflicts that are sure to come their way.
Best of luck and wishing you a mostly peaceful summer ahead,
Leah